I love to ski - no doubt, but ya gotta laugh at what we put up with in order to do it. But isn't that what love is all about? So here are some "Get Ready for Skiing Tips". (If you don't ski you may not understand why these are funny.)
1. Visit your local butcher and pay $30 to sit in the walk-in freezer for a half an hour. Afterwards, burn two $50 dollar bills to warm up.
2. Soak your gloves and store them in the freezer after every use.
3. Fasten a small, wide rubber band around the top half of your head before you go to bed each night.
4. If you wear glasses, begin wearing them with glue smeared on the lenses.
5. Throw away a hundred dollar bill - now.
6. Find the nearest ice rink and walk across the ice 20 times in your ski boots carrying two pairs of skis, accessory bag and poles. Pretend you are looking for your car. Sporatically drop things.
7. Place a small but angular pebble in your shoes, line them with crushed ice, and then tighten a C-clamp around your toes.
8. Buy a new pair of gloves and immediately throw one away.
9. Secure one of your ankles in a bedpost and ask a friend to run into you at high speed.
10. Got to McDonald's and insist on paying $8.50 for a hamburger. Be sure you are in the longest line.
11. Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket and ride a motorcycle fast enough to make the ticket lacerate your face.
12. Drive slowly for five hours - anywhere - as long as it's in a snowstorm and you're following an 18-wheeler.
13. Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button and let the spray blast your face. Leave the ice on your face until it melts. Let it drip into your clothes.
14. Dress up in as many clothese as you can and then proceed to take them off because you have to go to the bathroom.
15. Slam your thumb in a car door. Don't go see the doctor.
16. Repeat all of the above every Saturday and Sunday until it's time for the real thing!
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